Sometimes I get really bemused when reading blogs and various sites. Many men are just so utterly funny without meaning to. Men do puzzle me and I don’t ‘get’ them. Often to become bemused and laugh is the only way to deal with the men I refer to. Do note that this is not about all men. Rarely do you see all of them in one man, but chances are that you do recognize some of the things I talk about here.
- Men that bemuse me somehow don’t see that an FLR is as any relationship in that it involves two people living a life in a real world, with jobs, family, friends and other utterly boring and normal things happening in their life.
- Men that bemuse me think that an FLR has a sexual slant on everything and really cannot grasp that this is quite a one sided an boring way of looking at things, specifically for a lot of women.
- Men that bemuse me seem to be living with a fantasy of how they wish things would be instead of accepting life as is and building on the foundations that they do have.
- Men that bemuse me seem to have had a light bulb moment, want to change everything overnight and are surprised that their spouses are not quite with them from the first second.
- Men that bemuse me after the light bulb moment become rigorous on what ought to be, what life should be. Almost fanatical in what they perceive is the way forward.
- Men that bemuse me do not see that a relationship involves two people. With two different points of view that need to be aligned and fitted. Two communication styles and two wishlists that may not be always compatible.
- Men that bemuse me seem to want to have their cake and eat it to. They seem to be surprised that a woman may have totally different ideas and that part of an FLR may well involve changing your wish list to suit her wants and needs.
- Men that bemuse me say in ads they want to be slaves and wish to submit to everything a woman wishes – of course as long as it is on their long list of must haves – without having any responsibilities left (So she gets to have all responsibilities and needs to micromanage)
- Men that bemuse me are so set in their ideas that I really miss one thing in their writings, a sense of humour and with it self-reflection.
Really I find men most entertaining, but I shake my head in wonder many a times. Still it is a learning curve for me too. Trying to understand men, I guess is just as hard as for men to understand women
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Girlfriend, what a great topic! We see this situation play out over and over again on SheMakesTheRules.com, don’t we? But to be fair, it’s also the occasional woman who is just as determined to make what she wants happen.. regardless of personal cost. I would hope that most men who are in similar situations to the ones you mention above, would go to SMTR (SheMakesTheRules) and really READ topics in the relationship forum. Or in the Ask A Woman forum as well. There is a lot of great information on how REAL women think! (Thanks to the ‘Verified Real Woman’ program I created and you support me in!)
Thanks for writing about this – I cannot wait to see what other comments you receive.
See below
This is a very good overview of many of the issues of “expectations vs reality”. I think, when my Wife and I entered into this, we had VERY different expectations. We were having intercourse, albeit unsatisfying, 4-7 times a week. Since the “lock-down” that number has drastically fallen off. What my idea of making love is has also radically changed. It no longer involves orgasm on either partners part. If they happen (for her) that’s icing on the cake, but it’s not the goal. If they happen on my part, it’s a very serious infraction that involves some serious punishment, since for about a week after a full release, I enter a mood swing known to us at the “prickiness”. (Note: Prickiness is used instead of the normal pejorative associated with a female dog, since the depressed mood associated with a full release is uniquely male)
One expectation that I had previously was that the number of weekly incidents would stay about the same. Unfortunately, life gets heavily in the way. And since my dear wife does not have anywhere near the libido that I do, “love making” only happens when either she actually wants it, or if I mention that it’s been quite a long time (up to a month, sometimes).
Increasingly, though, I have to mention it. Once I do this, and kick start her libido, we will have a “spurt” of activity, lasting 3-7 days, but afterward, there is a lull of 1-5 weeks between her desire levels getting up to a level where she wants to do sometime.
As a submissive, with absolutely no recourse for “taking care of myself”, this level of frustration is definitely not what I signed up for. Neither is the “daily sex fantasy” idea where my wife is always clad in leather and I live in cage and eat my meals off the floor. But establishing a happy medium, where normal love making occurs 2-3 times a week, would be my ideal. I honestly believe, that removing all other factors, she would also like this. Unfortunately, she tends to use all of her available time to obsess over her hobbies and facebook. So, now that she has a ton more free time not doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning and keeping up the house (and getting the kids, grocery shopping, etc). She sees that not as an opportunity for greater intimacy, but as an opportunity to immerse herself more in singularly individualistic pastimes.
For a while, she stated that this was payback for the 3 and 1/2 years prior to the FLR being established. But after 10 month, it would seem that the desire to punish has greatly diminished, and the affect of her being addicted to areas that don’t require intimacy and only feed her ego are the only preferred outlets.
There are underlying hormonal/health issues, and I have been trying for months for her to get a handle on this. So far, this has been unsuccessful.
If you are looking for advice, mine would be to ask her to put time with you on her schedule. Or to set bedtime one hour earlier so the two of you have time together. However, what I DO see here is your expectation of what she will do, and it seems to never be enough. You do not need to comment on that, just think about it. Remember, all we have is your words as written above to go by.
Perhaps you should consider ONLY giving her a massage before bed. Or a foot rub. If you are on her ‘must take care of’ list, then that is not a happy place for you to be. But if you’re on the ‘Oh, that feels sooooo good’ list, you’re more inclined to get intimacy .. maybe different than you had wanted, but intimacy none the less.
I can not control the bed time. I often start running her bath around 8 or 8:30, trying to get her to get off the computer earlier. If she is “involved” with something, it may be 10 or 11 before we are crawling in bed.
Unfortunately, even when she is “with me” she is still on her phone, facebooking or texting and I don’t even get to have her during what should be “us time”. More often than not, that time would be filled with gentle caresses, foot rubs/worship, back rubs or just holding her. I am not permitted to make direct sexual advances without asking permission first or being told directly to do so. I feel completely cuckolded by those relationships she has online. I have even told her that. (Note that actual cuckolding is an absolute NO for her on the negotiation front…she is fanatically monogamous… previous men/pigbois messed her up bad there…) Personally, I would be more OK with actual cuckolding.
For a short while, she permitted me to orally worship her while she checked in with all of that, but that has fallen off in the past two months.
I am accounting for the holidays and hoping her pending doctor appointment will get things moving in the right direction again!
One thing that I have had a problem with in the power exchange is that my Wife needs to be made to stay on her meds and gets things checked out with the doctor. When those things don’t happen, she is not the same person with which I originally agreed to exchanged power. However, she does not see that she has had any change in the on her part.
Any ideas on how to handle something like this?
Ask to go to the Doc with her. If she does not want to go, you can call the Doc’s office yourself. But be careful, because making her mad is not going to help. But I would explain that she is in her head and thinks everything is fine, but you are outside and see the change in behavior. As her partner in life, she would hopefully trust your judgment. By going to the Doc with her you can express your point of view in a kind and loving way (Do NOT make her wrong! Or belittle her!!!). Do not be asking for what YOU want. Phrase it in ways that show her what she gets out of using the medication… otherwise you’ll come off as selfish. Good luck.
She has an appointment next week, and she has promise to speak with her doctor about it. She is pre-diabetic and her last blood sugar (from the lab, not the home tester) was 215 (should be under 100). I have set out little pill containers and called the pharmacy and made sure we get refills when needed. When her blood sugar is out of whack, everything about her changes and she tends toward major depression when that happens. I am doing everything in my power short of physically shoving the pills in her mouth each morning (not a very submissive gesture).
Our schedules conflict such that going to the doctor with her is nearly impossible without taking vacation time. My job is very high profile and high stress within my company, and it would definitely be noticed if I were taking time off during a big project push. (Alpha at work, beta to her)
She has shown me love and kindness by denying me (and thereby staving off the depression I get post-orgasm). I want to return the favor and help her keep her health up. I really am not looking for “something in it for me”. As a sub, seeing your Domme depressed has to be the single most demoralizing thing short of handing the key back!
Oh, btw, I have a blog I occasionally update. If you’d like to take it there, instead of filling up this lovely lady’s blog with OT stuff.
Well I would suggest that you take a fair bit of what you have written here and put it on your own blog. Quite a bit is about your life and your issues. I concur with QueenBee if you are really seeking advice then join She Makes The Rules. That is what it is there for women (and some lovely men) giving advice on real life issues.
Giving advice is not what this blog is about.
I would like to response specifically to ShadowLady’s actual post for a moment.
While I recognize that an FLR is simply another way of looking at a relationship, to a man, the sexualization is part of what makes it “ok”. Within the macho locker room, nearly any behavior, no matter how unusual, can be explained away “chicks dig it!!”
So, in the fragile male psyche, being in a submissive role when the world expects all men to be hormonally-driven alpha man-pig-dogs, a man must have two separate identities. The burly outer man that likes football, beer and seeing things hurt other things, and the softer,gentler inner gentleman that loves wearing lingerie and serving his wife like the Goddess she is.
Another concept that I think is harder for women than men is that men are always thinking about sex. Even when I have to wake up early, make breakfast, put up the dishes, get the kiddo up, take her to soccer practice, go and work an 8 hour day, make a grocery list, figure out what’s for dinner, cook it, clean the kitchen, help daughter with homework, take to my wife about her day, wash, dry, fold and put away 5 loads of laundry in between all of that, run a bath for my wife, massage her back, then slowly and gently rub her arm until I hear the soft snore that tells me she’s off into dreamland, I have not had a single 5 minute period all day where I didn’t think about sex at least once. I don’t think women have this same subtext going on with them.
For a man, to have something sexualized automatically makes it more interesting. We are hard-wired that way. Our hormones need to be ready at a moments notice to impregnate! A woman’s cycle runs 28 days, and there’s a four hour in there window where her hormones are saying, “You gotta get some”.
I didn’t have a lightbulb moment. I have known I was submissive and enjoyed serving women as long as I have been aware of sexuality. As for my wife, she played games with me off and on throughout the first 3 and a half years of our marriage. Her “a-ha” moment was when I walked into the living room, trying to get her off the computer, completely naked except for a CB-3000 and a key in my hand. She has been gradually learning her part in all of this. She is doing wonderfully and I love her and praise her for it.
I love my wife and I love our FLR. I don’t think she has a full understanding of how to manipulate my mental state so that both of us maximize our enjoyment. It is easy to sit back, and expect that I will do everything, with no reward, indefinitely. And I will, for as long as I can. However, I am not a slave, nor an emotionless robot. I have emotions (and hormones) and those things affect me just as much as anyone else. In a marriage, to go for weeks without being touched in a sexual way causes a person (male or female) to withdraw and begin to doubt themselves. If you drive a car, without putting gas in it and maintaining, it will eventually sputter out and die by the side of the road.
Shadowlady, bless you for your blog and sharing your life with the rest of us.
Now this would be the sort of thing we would be discussing at SMTR. Please do join the place. If you do post some of your comments here as an introduction and start an thread on this subject. Then I will respond.
I would as well.
Oops.. it had signed me out here. The comment above was mine – I would engage the above discussion on SMTR (SheMakesTheRules), but will not clutter up your blog further. Sorry if I did so before.